Just another entry...

I lay on the floor last night watching dancing with the stars, and of course as soon as I was on the floor a 74 pound dog was pretty much laying on top of me! I am pretty sure Reilly misses those nights of Kev doing the exact same thing. There are countless pictures of kev laying on the floor and usually R laying almost on top of him. Then of course Ted needs to join in because of his Alpha status. It is those moments that I look to tell kev what the guys are doing or we discuss what is going on with whatever show we were watching. Then the what I like to call the waves hit, that is the best way to describe the feeling that comes over me. Like, wow that really happened and Kev is not here anymore! I know you we all know he is in fact not here anymore, but it hits hard at different times of the day. I look at his picture, in our closet or just remembering the day. It still does not make sense to me for him, I could choose so many people in my mind that live a lifestyle that this could have happened to, not him. I know I can't do this forever, but I am faced with so many thoughts during the day about my future I wonder why.
There is a boy who wrote a book about remembering being in heaven when he was four years old. First of all how can a four year old (who is now ??) older than 4 remember? His family is very religious and he did remember some things that he saw in heaven that he could not have known, but the skeptic in me questions. One can only hope the soul continues and watches over, I am just not feeling that.
The realtor will be listing the house very soon, I an hoping for a quick offer and sale, but then I look around at all our "stuff", what do I do with it? Everyone tells me just get rid of it all and just move your clothes and personal things because of the cost. But this is my life, my stuff the stuff I shared with Kev. Our life has changed so much, I've got to be able to hold on to some part of that life. I have tough decisions ahead and only I can make them.
There are days I just want to go into the corner and stay there, no responsibilities no cares just the corner and me. Alex I know feels the same some days except her corner is Europe for some reason, which I am not sure why? Maybe just leaving everything we know is more comforting to her.
Anyway, just more thoughts to write.

Not a bad week...

This week was not that bad, I can't explain it but there is always this feeling of emptiness that no matter what I do or what kind of mood I am in I can not suppress it. Is it guilt? Kevin is literally on my mind no matter what I am doing and after seeing the Dr Oz show the other day I was hoping in some way he knows that he is never out of my mind. I think just because it was just the most shocking and devastating event that has occurred in my life, I can not expect that I will ever get over this feeling. I can't tell you how many times a day I find myself shaking my head or heaving a huge sigh, I guess all pretty normal. There is that word again, there is no normal for us right now and Alex and I both know that. We talk about that most people move on, we really can't.
I am trying in my head to plan a future for which I am very scared of, getting and starting a job at 53 and supporting Alex who has always had it pretty easy. I really don't know what kind of supreme being would put people through this.
I know there are a lot of people in worse scenario's than we are, but when you are in it sometimes it is hard to care. I really do care about many people, like in Japan or New Zealand, Haiti all kinds of suffering I sympathize but my dread is mine.
I want to be optimistic really I do but it is hard to picture a good life right now. Where laughs come easy I miss that. I have recently found myself wanting to tell kev things, a Modern family episode, the car from Oregon that is no longer parked at our health club, silly things that we shared. I most definitely miss my nightly phone calls as he was coming home from work, we would sometimes talk until he pulled into the garage and hang up as the door closed.
All great memories and so hard to replace with anything right now. I am lonely, very lonely but I think that is also a good thing I don't really feel depressed either pretty much just sad.
So maybe Kev is reading this or knowing that I am writing about my feelings he would be proud he was my best friend and I know he knew that. The one thing that does make me feel good is that we really did talk and tell each other I Love you all day long in person in text and always before sleep. So no regrets on things we didn't say, just missing my life as a couple with him. We really were so compatible, we evened each other out, don't know if I will ever experience that again.

Car Talk...

No not the NPR show with those funny Boston guys. Alex and I always seem to share thoughts when we are in the car. We really had a nice time in Spokane with the Engel's. The hotel Davenport is really an amazing place. It was originally built in the early 1900's as a restaurant but continued to grow until it came the place to go in NW. Bing Crosby went to Gonzaga University which is in Spokane so he came back when he was Bing to perform, I think even Elvis stayed there.
There are many old photos displayed and actual old artifacts from its heyday. It was almost leveled many years later, but finally a couple bought it and gutted and rebuilt almost exactly as it was. Anyway... that was a really long way to say Alex and I talked about how Kev would have loved it there and he was supposed to be there with us as those plans were made months ago when Caylee looked at the schedule for the hockey team and wanted us all to go to Spokane for hockey. Spokane is our hockey teams biggest rival so it is usually a very good game to watch. That part sadly was not true this game we lost 5-1!
Alex said as I posted on facebook that we could have seen Kev photo journaling his way through our twenty four hours away. He would have loved the hotel and all its history. On the hotel tv they run continuously a documentary on the restoring/rebuilding of it. So Tra and I watched.
Kev is just always there with us and I guess that will always be. I realize as I sometimes self diagnose, that lately going out for me is when I feel the worst. My normal is being home, when I head out is when life hits me and my lack of feeling "normal". People are and about as if nothing has happened and the whole time I am out I have a pit and emptiness and feelings that overwhelm me. So I keep tissues in the car at all times because that is when I am at my worst. I was thinking the other day about when I was separated and divorced from Rick I wanted to almost never be home, that was not my comfort zone. Being out felt better, so I guess I am confused why is home such a comfort now, it is most likely my pacifier and blanky just makes me feel "normal" and comforted.
We are really glad we went, because I did not have a good week last week. I really wasn't sure I could go, but I know there are times I have to suck it up and get out there.

I probably should not be writing right now...but I have had a really bad afternoon. Two minor things in the house that need to be done that most likely I would be taking care of even if Kev were here. It sort of just puts me over the edge. Really silly things, a microwave light bulb and a kitchen drawer that is in need of repair. Which kind of pisses me off considering I lived in the VA house for 6.5 years and we never had to repair any of our cabinetry.
I am so unhappy being in WA, I am trying to be patient but my patience is wearing extremely thin. This is not home, I am very lonely, I don't really even want to leave the house most days. It almost seems like my way home from wherever I was is just the worse.
I need to be responsible about this house and all that shit that goes with selling it. So it is that which makes my emotions hard. I would love to run and run far.
Just needed to vent, my memories of FL when I was having a bad day and maybe Brad and Jen were off with Rick, I would just drive along A1A and look at the ocean and hear the waves with all the windows open. In VA it is just plain pretty with all the trees and greenery and that would always put a smile on my face. But here in WA not so much, the landscape here just makes me long to be anywhere but where I am.

Alex...

On our way home from hockey last night we had a talk about Kev, Alex is just so excepting. She said she spoke with a guy at school about moving to VA after this school year, he asked her for the reason, she told him. He then went on to tell her he has never been in touch with his father and how he wished he had any kind of relationship with him.
She does feel lucky that she had Kev for 16 years...she said he gave her a lifetime of love in that time. I think she is so smart to feel that. I feel like she and Kev got cheated. He of all people wanted to see her grow up and what she would become.
She is also lucky because she says she feels him near her, I can't say that. I don't have that same believe system, at least not yet.
She wants to travel and I hope she gets the opportunity and makes that happen in her life.
I am glad I have her with me, she is a great kid and such a huge part of who Kev was.

A day without tears...

Almost! Yesterday was eight weeks since Kev's death (still hard to write). I was up early as usual, coffee, internet etc..
Alex and I went to our local landfill with lots of garbage that can not be put curbside, sounds like an exciting Sunday so far. Met Tracy and Bill here at the house to measure the headboard of my existing bed cause Tra and I are going to make a new upholstered head board. It's a project I have been wanting to do for a while, I decided I am most likely going to sell my bedroom furniture before I leave here. If it is easy to do, I am a little nervous about having strangers come in to look at some of the things I want to sell but it is the only way.
I kept busy the rest of the day and for a Sunday (which is now the worst day of the week to me), I was feeling pretty good. We watched the Oscars which is great because here in the west is started at 5:30! I was enjoying all the typical nonsense and things that don't really matter in this world, I call it mindless tv which is really good for me. I was good until that damn Celine Dion came out and sang to all the faces of people that had passed away this year, that did it! I was glad Alex was in the shower, it allowed me to lose it without her seeing.
Also those sweet kids from Staten Island, again "Somewhere over the Rainbow" got me again. How many times have I heard that song...this time I really listened.
Now it is Monday, the start of a new week, I have lots to do, but sometimes it all seems too monumental. I know I can get angry at Kev anytime I look at all the books I have to do something with. Really some of the books, not sure what he was thinking. I guess he could chosen a worse thing to be obsessed about. So there is my most daunting task, the one that took years to collect and the one that is so hard because I feel I am betraying him with each book I decide will have to go. I used to tease him about this exact thing, I just thought it would be at least 30 years in the future I would have to deal with it for real!

Death certificates and autopsies...

So much of the past 8 weeks seems real at times and then not real at all. I have heard that sighing is a sign of grieving and many times a day without warning I just let out a big sigh. Not one thing can lead to the sigh, sometimes a picture a simple thought of Kev can bring it on.
We did get his death certificate and I went yesterday to pick up his autopsy report. Again almost as if I am reading this about someone else, someone unknown to me. Many things upset me about the autopsy itself, the fact they did that to his body looked inside at his brain his organs, I really thought I might throw up yesterday. I don't know if it was a mistake or not but Alex wanted to read it and I let her. She said she felt faint after reading certain parts of it. Like I said this is hard to realize that this report was about kev.
Good to know all his organs were fine, lungs, liver etc...just his heart that did not work they way it was supposed to.
I am looking forward to our trip to Fl in April, and then after that hopefully our house sells and Alex and I can move forward.