Monday, February 28, 2011

A day without tears...

Almost! Yesterday was eight weeks since Kev's death (still hard to write). I was up early as usual, coffee, internet etc..
Alex and I went to our local landfill with lots of garbage that can not be put curbside, sounds like an exciting Sunday so far. Met Tracy and Bill here at the house to measure the headboard of my existing bed cause Tra and I are going to make a new upholstered head board. It's a project I have been wanting to do for a while, I decided I am most likely going to sell my bedroom furniture before I leave here. If it is easy to do, I am a little nervous about having strangers come in to look at some of the things I want to sell but it is the only way.
I kept busy the rest of the day and for a Sunday (which is now the worst day of the week to me), I was feeling pretty good. We watched the Oscars which is great because here in the west is started at 5:30! I was enjoying all the typical nonsense and things that don't really matter in this world, I call it mindless tv which is really good for me. I was good until that damn Celine Dion came out and sang to all the faces of people that had passed away this year, that did it! I was glad Alex was in the shower, it allowed me to lose it without her seeing.
Also those sweet kids from Staten Island, again "Somewhere over the Rainbow" got me again. How many times have I heard that song...this time I really listened.
Now it is Monday, the start of a new week, I have lots to do, but sometimes it all seems too monumental. I know I can get angry at Kev anytime I look at all the books I have to do something with. Really some of the books, not sure what he was thinking. I guess he could chosen a worse thing to be obsessed about. So there is my most daunting task, the one that took years to collect and the one that is so hard because I feel I am betraying him with each book I decide will have to go. I used to tease him about this exact thing, I just thought it would be at least 30 years in the future I would have to deal with it for real!

Friday, February 25, 2011

Death certificates and autopsies...

So much of the past 8 weeks seems real at times and then not real at all. I have heard that sighing is a sign of grieving and many times a day without warning I just let out a big sigh. Not one thing can lead to the sigh, sometimes a picture a simple thought of Kev can bring it on.
We did get his death certificate and I went yesterday to pick up his autopsy report. Again almost as if I am reading this about someone else, someone unknown to me. Many things upset me about the autopsy itself, the fact they did that to his body looked inside at his brain his organs, I really thought I might throw up yesterday. I don't know if it was a mistake or not but Alex wanted to read it and I let her. She said she felt faint after reading certain parts of it. Like I said this is hard to realize that this report was about kev.
Good to know all his organs were fine, lungs, liver etc...just his heart that did not work they way it was supposed to.
I am looking forward to our trip to Fl in April, and then after that hopefully our house sells and Alex and I can move forward.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Maybe this can help...

I am not a writer nor do I pretend to be. I am so filled with so many emotions lately, it is hard to tell where one ends and the other starts. I have good and bad days, right now I think all of my emotions are based on once again living in limbo. I have spent too much time there in my life, fourteen months ago I thought that was over. Yet again life has given me lemons, almost like, hey there don't get too settled cause I am going to punch you right in the stomach!
I have within minutes been sad, angry and at peace, my life is truly a rollercoaster right now. I want to get off and just go back to where I was just 8 weeks ago. My life was normal, happy and contently boring. I can only hope that life will be that again, I just don't imagine even on those good days that it will ever be again.

I mourn Kevin every minute of every day, I also think about him and what he felt before he died. Did he know? I get mad that maybe he had symptoms but didn't tell me...although he would tell me when he didn't feel well or if there was some pain he couldn't explain. There are things of course I will never know, I just have to except that.
One thing is for sure, I need to make Alex's life happy and successful and I will do everything in my power to make that happen. As we all know how much a HUGE part of Kevin's life Alex was. Everything she did, said and just being made him happy and all he wanted was for her to be happy. I feel the same and will honor the memory of what we wanted for her.

I will try to put my thoughts here, read it or not...