Sunday, February 20, 2011

Maybe this can help...


I am not a writer nor do I pretend to be. I am so filled with so many emotions lately, it is hard to tell where one ends and the other starts. I have good and bad days, right now I think all of my emotions are based on once again living in limbo. I have spent too much time there in my life, fourteen months ago I thought that was over. Yet again life has given me lemons, almost like, hey there don't get too settled cause I am going to punch you right in the stomach!
I have within minutes been sad, angry and at peace, my life is truly a rollercoaster right now. I want to get off and just go back to where I was just 8 weeks ago. My life was normal, happy and contently boring. I can only hope that life will be that again, I just don't imagine even on those good days that it will ever be again.

I mourn Kevin every minute of every day, I also think about him and what he felt before he died. Did he know? I get mad that maybe he had symptoms but didn't tell me...although he would tell me when he didn't feel well or if there was some pain he couldn't explain. There are things of course I will never know, I just have to except that.
One thing is for sure, I need to make Alex's life happy and successful and I will do everything in my power to make that happen. As we all know how much a HUGE part of Kevin's life Alex was. Everything she did, said and just being made him happy and all he wanted was for her to be happy. I feel the same and will honor the memory of what we wanted for her.

I will try to put my thoughts here, read it or not...

3 comments:

Carol said...

Ellen...my heart hurts so much over this. I just want everything to be ok, but I know it's going to take a lot of time. We all love you so much and loved Kevin! I just wish I could go out to WA and stay there with you until you move to VA! I'm looking forward to you, Tra and the girls coming in April!! I can't wait! But, for now, I'm sending the biggest hug possible. I love you so much! Talk to you soon.

Carol said...

BTW....if writing helps, you should do it. I think it's a great outlet and a way to get your feelings out, like Ellen T. said! Do what ever you need to feel better.

ellen said...

And I'll be here "listening" to your writing. Love you!