Monday, February 28, 2011

A day without tears...

Almost! Yesterday was eight weeks since Kev's death (still hard to write). I was up early as usual, coffee, internet etc..
Alex and I went to our local landfill with lots of garbage that can not be put curbside, sounds like an exciting Sunday so far. Met Tracy and Bill here at the house to measure the headboard of my existing bed cause Tra and I are going to make a new upholstered head board. It's a project I have been wanting to do for a while, I decided I am most likely going to sell my bedroom furniture before I leave here. If it is easy to do, I am a little nervous about having strangers come in to look at some of the things I want to sell but it is the only way.
I kept busy the rest of the day and for a Sunday (which is now the worst day of the week to me), I was feeling pretty good. We watched the Oscars which is great because here in the west is started at 5:30! I was enjoying all the typical nonsense and things that don't really matter in this world, I call it mindless tv which is really good for me. I was good until that damn Celine Dion came out and sang to all the faces of people that had passed away this year, that did it! I was glad Alex was in the shower, it allowed me to lose it without her seeing.
Also those sweet kids from Staten Island, again "Somewhere over the Rainbow" got me again. How many times have I heard that song...this time I really listened.
Now it is Monday, the start of a new week, I have lots to do, but sometimes it all seems too monumental. I know I can get angry at Kev anytime I look at all the books I have to do something with. Really some of the books, not sure what he was thinking. I guess he could chosen a worse thing to be obsessed about. So there is my most daunting task, the one that took years to collect and the one that is so hard because I feel I am betraying him with each book I decide will have to go. I used to tease him about this exact thing, I just thought it would be at least 30 years in the future I would have to deal with it for real!


The Lowe Family said...

I don't know what to say, but I am glad that you are starting to sort things out. I know that Kev would understand the position you are in. You are doing what you have to do to move forward. I think going through the books and keeping a few you know he treasured is the way to go. I love you and I think about you, alex and Kev everyday.

ellen said...

I find that looking at each task I have to do during the day as the ONLY thing I have to do makes me so more productive. I do the task at hand better than if I thought of it as part of a long to-do list.

I agree with Jen, keep a handful of treasured books. Didn't Kevin keep a daily book in which he would record his thoughts about the books he was reading, the news, etc? Keeping those might be a way to honor his thoughts and spirit, while allowing you to let go of some of the books. Also, what about creating a word document/online list of the titles/authors of the books you are giving away?
Love you, ellen

Carol said...

What Ellen said is true. Stick with one task, alone, not as a part of a large, daunting "to do" list. This week, only worry about the books. It's a big one, but needs to be done, so don't worry about what comes next. Just do what you can this week, then next week you can evaluate and move on. Even if it's not done, then you continue to do it next week. I love you and once again, I wish I was close so I could help! Talk to you soon!