Tuesday, March 8, 2011

I probably should not be writing right now...but I have had a really bad afternoon. Two minor things in the house that need to be done that most likely I would be taking care of even if Kev were here. It sort of just puts me over the edge. Really silly things, a microwave light bulb and a kitchen drawer that is in need of repair. Which kind of pisses me off considering I lived in the VA house for 6.5 years and we never had to repair any of our cabinetry.
I am so unhappy being in WA, I am trying to be patient but my patience is wearing extremely thin. This is not home, I am very lonely, I don't really even want to leave the house most days. It almost seems like my way home from wherever I was is just the worse.
I need to be responsible about this house and all that shit that goes with selling it. So it is that which makes my emotions hard. I would love to run and run far.
Just needed to vent, my memories of FL when I was having a bad day and maybe Brad and Jen were off with Rick, I would just drive along A1A and look at the ocean and hear the waves with all the windows open. In VA it is just plain pretty with all the trees and greenery and that would always put a smile on my face. But here in WA not so much, the landscape here just makes me long to be anywhere but where I am.

3 comments:

Carol said...

I totally understand your feelings. But really....it's not much longer, even though I'm sure it feels like an eternity. Have you thought about listing the house sooner? Maybe that would get the ball rolling, and you wouldn't feel so stuck. Just a thought...Love you!!!

The Lowe Family said...

I wish I could do something to help you.....
I often call just to let you know I'm there, and hang up feeling like I have failed. I love you. Please just remember you have your children and family here if you need us. April is only a few weeks away!

Sue said...

Sigh..... This all is upsetting, wish I knew what to do for you Ellen. I guess I can only help through my own experience, Alex so young will probably be the one to lead you, right now it truly is about her, and you being her mother is the important thing in your life. You will both heal over time. Yesterday I watched oprah she had Garth brooks on, right after John died I was alone for the first time, so to quiet my thoughts I turned on the radio, the most beautiful song was playing. I became so wrapped up in the words and how they pertained to me and my loss I began to cry and sob. I never knew the name of the song or the artist, it haunted me for a very long time! So back to yesterday, laying in my bed watching opah, she asked garth to sing The Dance, the audience went nuts, and there it was all these years later, " the song"! I couldn't believe it, all these years, I began to cry and then sob, it meant so much to here it again, it brought back the painful memory, but in a good way, a soothing way. You will always find Kevin around every corner, in everything you do and everything you are. Sad Ellen but you have to go through this purging , anger and moving on, truly the HARDEST thing you will ever go through. Please Ellen I know people are well meaning everyone wants to do something for you, but of course what we can offer is words and that isn't good enough! I wish I could snap my fingers and get you cleared out of Washington , I had 7 months of those feelings, and many more when I moved here, but it was new and I was ready for that by the time I got here. My deepest feeling is I want you to come here, I haven't said it to you because of Alex, but in my heart I feel you belong with us, we can help you here. I think Alex would do fine here, of course she doesn't think so but kids are resilient. Sandy told me the biggest mistake for her was not making Erin come here in high school, she hates visiting here, she's bored and it is not home when she visits, Alex would really be ok. Well enough said, I don't want to add to your stress, I really urge you to talk to someone too Ellen it would help you, I know it would. Anyway I'll never mention the Florida thing again, I love you and want you to be strong, easier said then done I know. I love you very much!