Thursday, March 17, 2011

Not a bad week...

This week was not that bad, I can't explain it but there is always this feeling of emptiness that no matter what I do or what kind of mood I am in I can not suppress it. Is it guilt? Kevin is literally on my mind no matter what I am doing and after seeing the Dr Oz show the other day I was hoping in some way he knows that he is never out of my mind. I think just because it was just the most shocking and devastating event that has occurred in my life, I can not expect that I will ever get over this feeling. I can't tell you how many times a day I find myself shaking my head or heaving a huge sigh, I guess all pretty normal. There is that word again, there is no normal for us right now and Alex and I both know that. We talk about that most people move on, we really can't.
I am trying in my head to plan a future for which I am very scared of, getting and starting a job at 53 and supporting Alex who has always had it pretty easy. I really don't know what kind of supreme being would put people through this.
I know there are a lot of people in worse scenario's than we are, but when you are in it sometimes it is hard to care. I really do care about many people, like in Japan or New Zealand, Haiti all kinds of suffering I sympathize but my dread is mine.
I want to be optimistic really I do but it is hard to picture a good life right now. Where laughs come easy I miss that. I have recently found myself wanting to tell kev things, a Modern family episode, the car from Oregon that is no longer parked at our health club, silly things that we shared. I most definitely miss my nightly phone calls as he was coming home from work, we would sometimes talk until he pulled into the garage and hang up as the door closed.
All great memories and so hard to replace with anything right now. I am lonely, very lonely but I think that is also a good thing I don't really feel depressed either pretty much just sad.
So maybe Kev is reading this or knowing that I am writing about my feelings he would be proud he was my best friend and I know he knew that. The one thing that does make me feel good is that we really did talk and tell each other I Love you all day long in person in text and always before sleep. So no regrets on things we didn't say, just missing my life as a couple with him. We really were so compatible, we evened each other out, don't know if I will ever experience that again.

1 comment:

Carol said...

Beautifully written El! Keep on "journaling". Kev knows. After what I saw with John Edwards, I feel strongly about that. You have to remember that this is all very fresh and new still. You have every right to your feelings, what ever they may be! Love you!