Sunday, March 13, 2011

Car Talk...

No not the NPR show with those funny Boston guys. Alex and I always seem to share thoughts when we are in the car. We really had a nice time in Spokane with the Engel's. The hotel Davenport is really an amazing place. It was originally built in the early 1900's as a restaurant but continued to grow until it came the place to go in NW. Bing Crosby went to Gonzaga University which is in Spokane so he came back when he was Bing to perform, I think even Elvis stayed there.
There are many old photos displayed and actual old artifacts from its heyday. It was almost leveled many years later, but finally a couple bought it and gutted and rebuilt almost exactly as it was. Anyway... that was a really long way to say Alex and I talked about how Kev would have loved it there and he was supposed to be there with us as those plans were made months ago when Caylee looked at the schedule for the hockey team and wanted us all to go to Spokane for hockey. Spokane is our hockey teams biggest rival so it is usually a very good game to watch. That part sadly was not true this game we lost 5-1!
Alex said as I posted on facebook that we could have seen Kev photo journaling his way through our twenty four hours away. He would have loved the hotel and all its history. On the hotel tv they run continuously a documentary on the restoring/rebuilding of it. So Tra and I watched.
Kev is just always there with us and I guess that will always be. I realize as I sometimes self diagnose, that lately going out for me is when I feel the worst. My normal is being home, when I head out is when life hits me and my lack of feeling "normal". People are and about as if nothing has happened and the whole time I am out I have a pit and emptiness and feelings that overwhelm me. So I keep tissues in the car at all times because that is when I am at my worst. I was thinking the other day about when I was separated and divorced from Rick I wanted to almost never be home, that was not my comfort zone. Being out felt better, so I guess I am confused why is home such a comfort now, it is most likely my pacifier and blanky just makes me feel "normal" and comforted.
We are really glad we went, because I did not have a good week last week. I really wasn't sure I could go, but I know there are times I have to suck it up and get out there.


Carol said...

I'm glad you went and enjoyed it. Even though, I have a feeling, you feel guilty about enjoying things, which is completely understandable! Kev will always be with you. The worst part is that you can't physically share these things. Maybe knowing how much he would have loved something, hated something or jokes he would have cracked will put a smile on your face, probably along with a tear in your eye. But that's okay. When thinking of Kev the tears may subside, someday, but the smiles never will! Love you!

The Lowe Family said...

All I can say, which is very cliche, is that doing things that you know Kev would love would've made him happy. It's very typical for people to say that, but I know in my heart that Kev above all would want you and Alex to continue to live life to the fullest. I think about his manifesto. It says it plain as day, he wanted nothing more than to take care of you and alex and be the best husband and father. All of his actions were for you both. Continuing to make yourself do things, even if leaving the house is painful, is honoring Kev in the best way.