Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Just another entry...

I lay on the floor last night watching dancing with the stars, and of course as soon as I was on the floor a 74 pound dog was pretty much laying on top of me! I am pretty sure Reilly misses those nights of Kev doing the exact same thing. There are countless pictures of kev laying on the floor and usually R laying almost on top of him. Then of course Ted needs to join in because of his Alpha status. It is those moments that I look to tell kev what the guys are doing or we discuss what is going on with whatever show we were watching. Then the what I like to call the waves hit, that is the best way to describe the feeling that comes over me. Like, wow that really happened and Kev is not here anymore! I know you we all know he is in fact not here anymore, but it hits hard at different times of the day. I look at his picture, in our closet or just remembering the day. It still does not make sense to me for him, I could choose so many people in my mind that live a lifestyle that this could have happened to, not him. I know I can't do this forever, but I am faced with so many thoughts during the day about my future I wonder why.
There is a boy who wrote a book about remembering being in heaven when he was four years old. First of all how can a four year old (who is now ??) older than 4 remember? His family is very religious and he did remember some things that he saw in heaven that he could not have known, but the skeptic in me questions. One can only hope the soul continues and watches over, I am just not feeling that.
The realtor will be listing the house very soon, I an hoping for a quick offer and sale, but then I look around at all our "stuff", what do I do with it? Everyone tells me just get rid of it all and just move your clothes and personal things because of the cost. But this is my life, my stuff the stuff I shared with Kev. Our life has changed so much, I've got to be able to hold on to some part of that life. I have tough decisions ahead and only I can make them.
There are days I just want to go into the corner and stay there, no responsibilities no cares just the corner and me. Alex I know feels the same some days except her corner is Europe for some reason, which I am not sure why? Maybe just leaving everything we know is more comforting to her.
Anyway, just more thoughts to write.


Carol said...

I don't think getting rid of everything is good advice. These are the things you have collected together that made your house a home. Of course, I know there are things you will get rid of, but save what is important. The last thing you want to do is get to VA and have to buy all new furniture, on top of everything else you need to do. I don't know, that's just my opinion.

Love you!! Sending hugs!

Kathleen said...

I'm sorry for suggesting getting of rid of stuff. I understand that it belonged to you and Kevin and how it was part of the life you shared. I was being practical and I am sorry.
You know right now anything you do is neither right nor wrong. Your feelings have been stripped raw. What you feel is what you feel and better to feel than to stand still and numb.
I love you, Ellen, and am looking forward to you coming back to Virginia even if it just for a short time.